I am oh so aware of....

"A moth into a butterfly
And a lie
Into the sweetest truth
I'm so afraid of life"

I just felt my head implode a little bit.
I don't know what it was,but one minute I'm sitting on the couch,eating some bbq chips ,and this Bowflex commercial comes on.

I shouldn't be reading "No Logo",either. I feel paranoid and very cynical. After a brief history of advertising and how it when from "talking about a product" to " selling a lifestyle" I've just been oh so aware of brands and labels. I recall walking down a hallway and all I saw was logos and lifestyles-I don't even remember seeing one single human being.

Yikes.

I think this,combined with my incredible self concious nature,just made my head spin.

And you know what else gets me?

I feel like I'm the last one.For everything. I'm the last to know,the last to finish,the last to be alive.
It makes me naseous,this over evaluating and critical thinking and hypothesizing of "the new generation". It's repulsive and degrading. Every little mannerism and hobby and subculture is just sliced apart slowly and stuck on a petri dish,and assaulted by a high powered microscope until someone can determine what the fuck is wrong with it. There's nothing wrong with me.

But will I care in a few years? No.Will I attempt to change it for the future? No. There is no future. I'm beginning to believe I am the last one. Not that it's my fault this planet is so fucking crazy.I personally accuse the Cold War period for fucking everyone over. It was just tragic,the way people just accepted whatever their government told them,like a whore taking it in the ass.

I think life is overly romanticized to souls on the other side-The way North America was to immigrants. And so is History. You wanna know something about history? It's in the past because it was awful and didn't work.

Roman Empire: What's so fucking great about aqeducts-we moved on to indoor plumbing. And many decisions were not even thought out (ironically,my criticism of modern culture is perhaps we evaluate too much),everything was selected out a large pot.The only thing acceptable about that time era is at least they had their religon right-paganism I mean.

Middle Ages:Low grade food,atrocious work hours, the rise of Christianity, woman had no rights,the ravaging of the common folk-THE PLAGUE. We're due for another good bout of The Plague. I'd like to control it,mind you.

Enlightenment: Hurray! A printing press! Now the 4% of the population who can read,have more to read,and faster.Meanwhile,women are being beat until they resemble a blighted potato, men work for virtually nothing,and children are being forced down mine shafts to dig up some coal they cannot afford.

20th Century: Easily one of the most disgusting time periods ever. It is beyond comprehension.I mean,the logistics of it make sense,but it's morally revolting. There were so many people that had to die-and you know waht,they didn't die so we could vote and be free. They died because they were blood lusting young men with heavy duty weaponry. The only people who couldn't vote were the natives,and they got the vote in the 50's or 60's-whatever,it was later on.

You know who I'm also fed up with? Natives! God damn, I wish I could send them back over the Berring Land Bridge.

On an individual basis,I usually like everyone. Personality wise,I'm 'down" with mostly everyone. It' just that whole "This-was-our-land-and-we-want-it-back-because-you-abused-us-and-stuck-us-in-schools-so-we-are-going-to-make-a-stink-over-every-little-slight-even-though-you-didn't-intend-for-it-to-be-a-slight."

Fuck you,aboriginal population.(in hindsight..that's fucking myself,because I am part Haida.Does that count as masterbation?)

When an invading army comes in and wins a war,the land goes to the conquerer.You are a conquered peoples. Europeans have made the lives so much better-we offered trade,prosperity,a healthier lifestyle.Not all of it was ethical,persay,but that's war.It's never ethical.

As for Aboriginal schools-As if you pompous people think we were trying to ruin the family unti-we were trying to give your filthy haggard children an education!

I mean,again,was it all ethical?Of course not. Do I agree with them? No. But that should be placed on the individual,not the entire white race of people.

And have they not prospered? Do they not get favoured for jobs,for financial aid.They have their own government department for christssake! They have their own course in school! And every oppurtunity given,we have to hear about the plight of the aboriginal.

Fuck you.Just,fuck you.
What about kids like me,huh? The ones that actually value an education,who have a future,who don't try to emulate gangsters,who don't drink hand sanitizer for the alcohol content. There's no "department for Caucasian children" no scholarships because I'm white. There's nothing for me based on my race.If anything,you have a leg up on me,and yet I want this world so much more badly than you!


Free hunting licenses.Free universities.More financial aid.Government provided homes and toys. Special government departments.Favortism in the work place.

And you REALLY think you're at a disadvantage.

Paganism

I'm sure this will be one of many thoughts I have on paganism.

I've been reading up on paganism in general,just to see what other pagans of the world think about things.
I re-read "The Nazi Ghost" by Varg Vikernes. In it,he says

"If we have a positive relationship to our homeland, to our blood, to our race, to our religion and to our culture we will not destroy any of this with modern "civilization" (id est capitalism, materialism, Judeo-Christianity, pollution, urbanization, race mixing, Americanization, socialism, globalization, et cetera)."

Varg Vikernes,mind you,is something of an elitist.I would perhaps go so far as to say xenophobic. From his writings,I get the impression that his drive for racial purity leaves out other people who may want "in" on the Norse religon,but who remain out because they are not "of the blood."

I also read this article by a Finnish person on the brief history and revival of Finnish paganism.

"...universalism and mental "new ageism". One can't take parts of our ancestors spiritual tradition and mix them up with dihttp://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=8516447122579456172fferent things from different traditions and expect that the end product would be meaningful, functional religion and world view. It is my firm belief that any tradition should be studied, lived and treated as a whole. Not as collection of pick-and-choose -ideas for people to take and mangle as parts of their own supposedly deep copy-paste -religions."


Then it occurs to me-This only makes sense if you are of one nationality.He(I think it's a he) is Finn.His whole family most likely lives there,he can most likely trace his heritage through Finland-It's all Finland for him. It's logical for him to want his nationalities belief systems to be followed as a whole,and not be "copy and pasted" into other belief systems.

But I'm Irish,I'm English,I'm German,French and Native American. Where the hell does that leave me?

Change

I hate February.It's such a miserable month.

On the eve of the winter solstice,Hillory,Thomas and I did a year spread with our Tarot cards. My February card depicts a girl crying,holding onto a warped,old,dingy pentacle. The message of the card was that it was time to let go of something that doesn't serve,time for change,to move on.But it was going to be exceptionally difficult. At first,I thought it was my relationship with Kyle.Then I thought it was my relationship with my dad (not that we ever had one,but I digress). Now I know it was about my job.

Business is going under. One Friday afternoon,I went to visit Elena,and she had a wack of mail that needed to be opened and sorted. She opened it,and she became really upset. There was a colelction notice for something likexxxxx dollars in backed taxes.There have been people calling the store all the time,demanding money,payment,to speak to her.They are really irate and acrid in their speech.It hurts me. We calculated Brenda owes about xxxxxxxxx dollars. Elena promptly pulled merchandise Brenda said she was going to pay for,and I helped her load it into the back of her car. She was so distraught and upset by the bills-I swore she shed a tear.Elena was toeing the line of crying,that much is certain.

I heard all of this,and I decided I was going to quit.I didn't want to go down with the business,I wanted to get all the money that was owed to me. But Brenda came in,and I took one look at her,and that ball I had built up just shriveled and plopped to the bottom of my stomach,and I felt guilty for ever thinking I was going to quit.

She was crying.She hated that people have to do everything for her,that she lost her independance,and that the people in her life have to suffer for it. And I got to thinking about all the kind things she had done for me,and that back in the day,I did enjoy working there.

Anytime I needed an advance,I got it,regardless of the amount. Brenda was also really flexible with my schedule,like when I had to go places on short notice,she let me,and she always worked around it. My second summer full time,she gave me about 400.00$ to pay for this camera I wanted,and then split the cost of it over 4 pay periods.And she bought the case that went with it,as a gift for me. The only thing I had told her is that when I get paid,I'm going to buy this camera I saw,and 10 minutes later,I had it. Everythime we had a presentor or card reader,I always got to attend,or got whatever the person is offering,for free. My level one Reiki was free too-and that's soemthing she does to make money for herself,totally unrelated to the business. Hours of belief repatterning free.Anything I wanted from the shop I could put on my account and pay for later.

So I told her that she didn't have to worry about my paycheques,or any money she owed me.I told her to wipe the slate,and call it 'volunteer hours'. She said she wanted to make sure I got my 619.00 paycheque and my 198.00,and the to keep track of my hours. I haven't kept track of my hours,because I know she just can't pay me anymore. And I wanted to help her and be good the way she helped me and was nice to me.I'm 100% ok if I never see any of that money.She's paid all but 50.00 on the 600.00 paycheque,which is far more than I expected. Because this isn't about money anymore I decided. It's about doing the right thing,and being good.

I can't afford to be good anymore. I got my bills paid for now,but I'm all out of money.I can't afford anything anymore.I have 545.00 in my savings account,but I can't touch it. That's for moving out and going to school,and I can't spend my education.

I called her on Friday,and I told her again that I don't care if I don't get paid.And I told her I learned more from her in three years than I have in 13 years of school,and that I really like her a boss,and I like her as a friend,but that I can't afford to live anymore.Mom offered to pay my bills,but I can't have her do that either.Mom is stretched for cash too.How is she gonna afford my 60.00 phone bill,my 60.00 make up, my clothes,my hair stuff,my gifts for Kyle and friends,my outings with my friends.She can't.

There is a job posting at Sobeys right now,as a demo person.Hillory says they can pay up to 15.00 an hour. I called them before,to see if I could work two jobs,but they couldn't hire me unless I worked Saturdays,which is when I work for Brenda.

I called her,and said I had to quit.I amde it about 10 seconds into the call before I burst into tears. I feel so guilty. I wish I could just spend the money,and work there just a little bit longer,help a little bit more. I can't afford to anymore,and I can't expect other people to pick up my living expenses,it isn't right.

I think what made it worse is that she was ok with it.She told me she understood,that she was really grateful for everything I had done.And I vividly remember her saying "doing what's best for you is what'sbest for everyone in the end."

She doesn't know Elena wants to quit.We're the only two employees she has.