Change

I hate February.It's such a miserable month.

On the eve of the winter solstice,Hillory,Thomas and I did a year spread with our Tarot cards. My February card depicts a girl crying,holding onto a warped,old,dingy pentacle. The message of the card was that it was time to let go of something that doesn't serve,time for change,to move on.But it was going to be exceptionally difficult. At first,I thought it was my relationship with Kyle.Then I thought it was my relationship with my dad (not that we ever had one,but I digress). Now I know it was about my job.

Business is going under. One Friday afternoon,I went to visit Elena,and she had a wack of mail that needed to be opened and sorted. She opened it,and she became really upset. There was a colelction notice for something likexxxxx dollars in backed taxes.There have been people calling the store all the time,demanding money,payment,to speak to her.They are really irate and acrid in their speech.It hurts me. We calculated Brenda owes about xxxxxxxxx dollars. Elena promptly pulled merchandise Brenda said she was going to pay for,and I helped her load it into the back of her car. She was so distraught and upset by the bills-I swore she shed a tear.Elena was toeing the line of crying,that much is certain.

I heard all of this,and I decided I was going to quit.I didn't want to go down with the business,I wanted to get all the money that was owed to me. But Brenda came in,and I took one look at her,and that ball I had built up just shriveled and plopped to the bottom of my stomach,and I felt guilty for ever thinking I was going to quit.

She was crying.She hated that people have to do everything for her,that she lost her independance,and that the people in her life have to suffer for it. And I got to thinking about all the kind things she had done for me,and that back in the day,I did enjoy working there.

Anytime I needed an advance,I got it,regardless of the amount. Brenda was also really flexible with my schedule,like when I had to go places on short notice,she let me,and she always worked around it. My second summer full time,she gave me about 400.00$ to pay for this camera I wanted,and then split the cost of it over 4 pay periods.And she bought the case that went with it,as a gift for me. The only thing I had told her is that when I get paid,I'm going to buy this camera I saw,and 10 minutes later,I had it. Everythime we had a presentor or card reader,I always got to attend,or got whatever the person is offering,for free. My level one Reiki was free too-and that's soemthing she does to make money for herself,totally unrelated to the business. Hours of belief repatterning free.Anything I wanted from the shop I could put on my account and pay for later.

So I told her that she didn't have to worry about my paycheques,or any money she owed me.I told her to wipe the slate,and call it 'volunteer hours'. She said she wanted to make sure I got my 619.00 paycheque and my 198.00,and the to keep track of my hours. I haven't kept track of my hours,because I know she just can't pay me anymore. And I wanted to help her and be good the way she helped me and was nice to me.I'm 100% ok if I never see any of that money.She's paid all but 50.00 on the 600.00 paycheque,which is far more than I expected. Because this isn't about money anymore I decided. It's about doing the right thing,and being good.

I can't afford to be good anymore. I got my bills paid for now,but I'm all out of money.I can't afford anything anymore.I have 545.00 in my savings account,but I can't touch it. That's for moving out and going to school,and I can't spend my education.

I called her on Friday,and I told her again that I don't care if I don't get paid.And I told her I learned more from her in three years than I have in 13 years of school,and that I really like her a boss,and I like her as a friend,but that I can't afford to live anymore.Mom offered to pay my bills,but I can't have her do that either.Mom is stretched for cash too.How is she gonna afford my 60.00 phone bill,my 60.00 make up, my clothes,my hair stuff,my gifts for Kyle and friends,my outings with my friends.She can't.

There is a job posting at Sobeys right now,as a demo person.Hillory says they can pay up to 15.00 an hour. I called them before,to see if I could work two jobs,but they couldn't hire me unless I worked Saturdays,which is when I work for Brenda.

I called her,and said I had to quit.I amde it about 10 seconds into the call before I burst into tears. I feel so guilty. I wish I could just spend the money,and work there just a little bit longer,help a little bit more. I can't afford to anymore,and I can't expect other people to pick up my living expenses,it isn't right.

I think what made it worse is that she was ok with it.She told me she understood,that she was really grateful for everything I had done.And I vividly remember her saying "doing what's best for you is what'sbest for everyone in the end."

She doesn't know Elena wants to quit.We're the only two employees she has.